Updated: Jun 9
It`s exhausting playing "Super-parent-to-the-rescue" ALL THE TIME.
The more you tell your kids what to do, the less likely they want to listen to you.
The more you nag them, the more likely they will forget.
The more you do for them, the less responsible they become.
The false assumption parents often make is: "if I don`t constantly tell them, then they'll forget and nothing will get done."
This "cycle of constantly telling them" causes much stress, frustration and even resentment.
What is this cycle costing you?
Ultimately, it costs your relationships.
How does this cycle benefit you?
This may sound like a strange question but we do things repeatedly because there ARE benefits.
Negative cycles can give "short term relief."
You may think you have more control by being in control of what your teen gets to do but actually there is a paradox: you feel you are in control but you actually are not in control because it makes you more "out of control" as you show up frustrated and stressed out with their lack of action or unresponsiveness.
Your teens need to develop independence that comes WITH responsibility and if parents continue to be too directive, teens become less responsible and do not take control over things they need to get done (chores etc).
Parents need to help them build discipline to avoid entitlement.
As long as parents show up as the Boss-Manager-Parent, teens will not learn responsibility or feel they are capable and confident.
It`s time to break this negative cycle.
There is a SHIFT that will change the outcome!
The shift every parent needs to make is helping teens "tell themselves what to do"vs"telling them what to do." It`s about being a curious-coach-parent vs a boss-manager-parent.
The Coach Parent Mindset focuses on these three areas:
Mindset Shift: "asking" vs “telling”
Questions: “questions” vs “statements”
Conversations: “coaching” vs “directing”
Questions are a great way to encourage teens to "say more" which helps with emotional regulation as it gives the parent a chance to calm down and get curious rather than make a reactive statement in the heat of the moment.
Parents normally focus on the teens attitude and behavior without understanding their feelings or what the issue is about and this ends up in an argument. Their actions communicate an unmet need through their frustration and parents need to understand what`s behind their behavior.
Asking Coach Questions:
Helps parents avoid making false assumptions or jumping to conclusions as they explore what`s going on "below the surface"
Stops parents from saying too much (advising, lecturing)
Helps parents show up more calm and connected
Helps with more empathy and understanding of the child
Encourages problem solving, collaboration and cooperation
Here are some examples of coaching vs directing/managing:
1. “What is your plan for getting your chores done?” vs “Get your chores done today.”
2. “How are you planning out your schedule?” vs “You need to get your assignment completed before this date.”
3. “What do you enjoy about your friend`s company?” vs “I don’t want you to hang out with that friend anymore.”
The outcome of coaching vs managing:
Launch responsible, relational young adults who are more confident in their abilities, and who know they can talk to their parents without getting endless advise or lectures.
Ultimately, The "Coach Parent Mindset" builds RELATIONSHIPS and RESPONSIBILITY through collaborative problem solving.
"The purpose in the heart of man is like deep water but a man of understanding will draw it out." Proverbs 20:5
Coaching allows parents to engage with their kids to invite more conversation, connection, resourcefulness, and responsibility.
Knowing specific strategies of how to show up as a coach and what that practically looks like, is key to becoming more of this kind of parent - calm and connected.
The Coach Parent Mindset helps parents to:
Shift from boss-manager-parent to curious-coach-parent
Develop coach parent strategies so you become the parent you really want to be
Figure out what to say and how to say it without overstepping
Invite teens to right behavior as you evaluate what`s going on inside of you so you become a parent of influence
Learn how to show up calm and controlled so you keep your sanity and your relationships
Lead your child to God and his Truth
The "Coach Parent Mindset" is a fresh new way of doing things and a shift in perspective.
Want to know more about how to coach your child?
Parent workshop video and 15 page workbook with 8 DAY ACTION GUIDE to build better relationships with your teenagers!